THE STATUS OF MY ORDER

 

 

 

 

i.

 Enter search
terms.

 

 

 

 

ii.

 A confirmation email
will be sent within
48 hours, probably.

 

 

 

 

iii.

 No, we don’t have a
toll-free number—
you know how much
those things cost?

 

 

 

 

iv.

 Thank you for calling,
sort of.

 

 

 

 

v.

 Your call
is sooooooo important
to us.

 

 

 

 

vi.

 Please remain on the line
for an additional thirty-eight
minutes.

 

 

 

 

vii.

 Learning to love yourself
is the greatest love of all.

 

 

 

 

viii.

 You could continue to hold,
or you could call someone
else.

 

 

 

 

ix.

 “Lawsuit” is such an ugly
word.

 

 

 

 

x.

 We’ve forgotten about your
call, and are now enjoying some
fine Peruvian blend.

 

 

 

 

xi.

 Why did you call anyway?
I’ll bet you’ve forgotten.

 

 

 

 

xii.

 You know, most people
like licorice. Just a thought.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

xiii.

 We sent Roger to get the
information you need, but
then Linda stopped to talk to him
so she’s holding him up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

xiv.

 Here’s a fun fact:
Art critics don’t agree on much,
but they do agree on this—
the avant-garde is dead!

 

 

 

xv.

 Betcha didn’t know the days of the week
are named after Norse Gods!
Yep. All except Wednesday.

 

 

 

 

xvi.

 To disconnect, press 1.
That’s assuming you’ve forgotten how
to hang up a phone.

 

 

 

 

xvii.

 It sure is pretty,
the way that “LINE 3” light
keeps blinking.

 

 

 

 

xviii.

 For secure order information,
our web site frankly
kicks ass.

 

 

 

 

xix.

 Please hold
some more.

 

 

 

 

xx.

 Please move to our secure
site so our spambots can
sic ya.

 

 

 

 

xxi.

 I’m Jenny, your operator,
and I had a roommate once
with athlete’s foot.

 

 

 

 

xxii.

 Quick, enter your
order number!

 

 

 

 

xxiii.

 You ordered (1) item.
Some items were out of
stock.